I have a poker blog because...(Dawn)

I have no real life friends. I call to share my triumph and one lies about tutoring for a test that already passed and the other doesn't pick up the phone.
Okay, so here's what happened. I've given up TV for reasons that seemed good and rational at the time, but now...less so. Anyway, I was all bored and decided to play some online poker. I chose a 45 person $5 tournament because 1) the day still yawned ahead of me like an black, never-ending chasm of apocalyptic dismay and 2) I suck at online poker and figured I'd play like four of these to entertain myself through the day for a respectable $20 loss.
I have a singular strategy for playing online tournaments. Fold. A raise in front? Fold. A raise behind? Fold. Big Blind with a ugly ugly hand? Fold. Until the computer laughs at your stupid ass for not taking the free flop, then check.
I only raise with suited kings or bona fide huge pairs. Everything else, check.
This is, and I stress, this is not a winning strategy.
Except when it is!
I managed to keep pace with the blinds by stealing in position (unless, I met any kind of resistance and then I folded!) and then I limped with AQ, five people in the pot, the flop was A 8 2 and a middle stack player moved in, big stack called and I called. The hands? MS: 48 BS:32 and I practically tripled up. Then got called an idiot by BD for limping with AQ. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
A couple of blind levels later, I limped again with AJ and when a short stack player moved in with A8, I stacked him and chipped up.
I folded my way to the final table --I mean, the most cowardly poker playing you've ever had the good fortune not to see. I could so hear Norman Chad saying "You're not folding your way to a bracelet on my watch, buddy."
(Um...is that a bad sign when one of the voices in your head is Norman Chad?)
Anyway, as I got closer to cashing, I played even tighter, if that's possible. I was making myself sick...but I hate bubbling sooo much.
Anyway, a couple of people decided to make moves and got picked off. I cashed!
There were two players on the way short stack, so I decided to lay low till they busted. Yes, I can and will find any reason to fold.
Sure enough they busted and I was fifth in chips. I had something like three times the BB, but I kept folding. Inexplicably one of the middle stacks pushed in with garbage and got called by big stack's ace high and now I was in fourth place money!!! I had one and a half the big blind and when the SB bet enough to put me in, I folded again!
I sucked it up though when I was in the SB and just put in my stack with Jh3c, the button had already bet enough to put me all in and when he turned over JT, I figured it was over when the ten hit the flop...until I went runner runner for a heart flush!
But I still had nothing really, so I pushed with the AT and got called by KJ. I hit my ace.
Then I busted the short stacked with my slowplayed AQ vs. his AJ.
Three handed, I was super short. I tried to bluff and kept getting reraised. At which point I said to myself, "self...dance with the girl that brung ya!" Back to turtle position. The Big Stacks kept trading the chip lead, until one finally ate the other.
Dawn Summers: Three handed specialist!
Heads up I was outchipped 5 to 1.
I was ready to push my first hand and just get it over with, because I cannot play heads up for the life of me.
He called me, but I won the hand.
I eventually took the chip lead...but shortly thereafter gave it back. I was bleeding chips and ready to push with anything when I got K8of diamonds, I minraised, he called and the flop was 8 4 7. I bet and he moved in. I called. He showed 33. I suddenly had him outchipped 5 to 1.
The next and final hand, I had KQ, I completed the button, he moved in with A2 and I called.
I hit the King on the turn!
I play online poker good.